No matter how hard I try
My tear stained cheeks give it all away
Because whenever I am able to stop
I think about you
You and my love
And not your's.
It seems that I am always trying so hard
To keep the tears of frustration inside
And to keep you nearby; with me
I'm afraid of what this will become
That it is a long one way street
A dead end.
I refuse to give up
Foolishness or stupidity?
I don't know
Whether this hope is empty or full
I will wait foreveer for your love.
Love can make people so stupid sometimes.
And foolish.
Beware all.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The blog that started it all, or the drama? (June 27th)
Drama. A five letter word that causes catastrophe. Everyone talking about everyone else. Behind other people’s backs and to their faces. People who can’t own up to what they say behind other people’s backs. Confrontation. Anyone responsible for drama cannot handle confrontation.
I left high school 2 years ago. And I thought I was leaving the drama behind. But even throughout those 2 years of University, there were individuals still “stuck” in high school. Still so concerned about how everyone else played a role in their lives. People talking behind other people’s backs. People putting on an act so that you can gain friends or keep your friends.
Even now, working among “adults”, it’s just the same. I was so surprised when it came about. Drama. Ugh, even the word is disgusting. People five, ten years older than me. I didn’t think it was possible, these are adults I’m working with?
Then, what makes an individual an “adult”? It certainly isn’t their age, is it? Maturity? Does drama relate to age? I always believed that as I grew older or when I became an “adult”, that this juvenile drama would no longer exist.
Obviously, age isn’t everything.
And gender. Society tells us that females are susceptible to being more dramatic than males. But is this really true? From my experiences, males try harder to not be involved with the drama of everyday life. But by trying desperately hard, they get more involved than they realize.
So what does anyone know about drama, really?
I left high school 2 years ago. And I thought I was leaving the drama behind. But even throughout those 2 years of University, there were individuals still “stuck” in high school. Still so concerned about how everyone else played a role in their lives. People talking behind other people’s backs. People putting on an act so that you can gain friends or keep your friends.
Even now, working among “adults”, it’s just the same. I was so surprised when it came about. Drama. Ugh, even the word is disgusting. People five, ten years older than me. I didn’t think it was possible, these are adults I’m working with?
Then, what makes an individual an “adult”? It certainly isn’t their age, is it? Maturity? Does drama relate to age? I always believed that as I grew older or when I became an “adult”, that this juvenile drama would no longer exist.
Obviously, age isn’t everything.
And gender. Society tells us that females are susceptible to being more dramatic than males. But is this really true? From my experiences, males try harder to not be involved with the drama of everyday life. But by trying desperately hard, they get more involved than they realize.
So what does anyone know about drama, really?
A Street With No Lights (Also July 2nd)
Tonight, I walked down a street. I was with many people but, there were no lights. If I was by myself, I would have been scared, ridiculously. And there is no doubt in my mind, I would have been running down that street. But I wasn’t alone. Yet, I didn’t feel safe either. I felt alone. How is it that I can be surrounded by people, some that I know care about me, yet feel so alone? A street with lights, is it any better than a street with none?
A street with no lights, may as well spell out no hope. No lights, no help. Right now, I feel like I am constantly on streets in complete darkness. I don’t know what to say or how to help others in the dark. I just wish I knew the right things to say. I wish I knew what to do.
Two major lights in my life just went out. The person I cared and poured my life into. And my best friend in the entire world, will no longer be my roommate, or so it seems. And in both cases, I have no choices, no options. No lights.
So, what can we do? When we are in complete darkness, a lack of light?
Will someone will please turn on the lights?
A street with no lights, may as well spell out no hope. No lights, no help. Right now, I feel like I am constantly on streets in complete darkness. I don’t know what to say or how to help others in the dark. I just wish I knew the right things to say. I wish I knew what to do.
Two major lights in my life just went out. The person I cared and poured my life into. And my best friend in the entire world, will no longer be my roommate, or so it seems. And in both cases, I have no choices, no options. No lights.
So, what can we do? When we are in complete darkness, a lack of light?
Will someone will please turn on the lights?
Moron (July 2nd)
I seriously don’t understand you. I don’t, I cannot figure out what is going through your head. How can you say you care so much about a person and then just break them. You say you can see yourself being with me for the rest of you life yet, here we are; apart. It doesn’t make any sense. I tried so hard! And what was the point, you had it in your head this entire time that this wasn’t going to work. You had it in your head that the long distance was going to affect our relationship and that it was just going to fail. Like all the others. But you say that you’ve never felt this way about anyone else, so couldn’t this relationship be the one that you should have faith in? Just a little hope. But you can’t, as soon as things got difficult, you gave up… And I just don’t understand it. Everyday I was apart from you, it just made me want to see you more. And the days I was with you, they were just so worth it. I treasured every second I had with you and I know that it was hard but every touch, every hug and every kiss was so worth the time apart. I wouldn’t have given that up for the world, and apparently it wasn’t good enough for you. And you giving up, is maybe a good thing that I found out now. Because I’m glad that when the times got tough, you didn’t quit on me when, oh you know, you actually loved me. Because, really, why am I this upset about a guy who doesn’t try, says he cares about me but doesn’t put forth the emotion, and doesn’t love me. Why do I care?
The Best of Friends (July 6th)
The best friend. What makes a best friend (or the best friend) more than just a friend? And really, what is friendship anyways? Someone you enjoy hanging out with? Someone you feel comfortable with? Someone you can tell your secrets to? Someone you can’t live without?
Recently, I have been thinking and there are people who think I am their friend. But they shouldn’t. To some of those people, I am a horrible friend. But why? Why do they try to keep our friendship? Because they think I’m a good friend? I don’t even know.
But there are some other people that I think that I have a dedicated friendship, one that goes both ways. And one of those, I think I am going to lose. Not lose entirely but the closeness will not be as close. If that makes any sense at all, this person showed me what true friendship really was. Honesty and loyalty. Not only that but she gave me advice to help me with every part of my life. She was with me when I was at my lowest low and she was definitely at my side when I couldn’t have been happier. This woman is such a huge part of my life and I just don’t understand why our friendship has to take such a difficult turn.
Sometimes I am at a loss for words with her; I want to tell her that everything will be okay. But do true friends lie to one another? I don’t think, I know I won’t be okay without her. Because she is my best friend. I want to tell her what the right thing to do is, give her the correct advice. Seeing as she has done the same for me so many times before.
But, I don’t have the words. I don’t have the words because this is my best friend; I don’t want to say the wrong things. I want to be completely supportive. That’s what best friends do.
So, all in all, I am going to do my best. Because that is what best friends do (as far as I’m concerned). I am going to love her and I am going to give her the best advice I can and support. I will, forever be her shoulder to cry on.
Best friends. You may not be by my side but you will be in my heart and mind every single second, darlin’.
Recently, I have been thinking and there are people who think I am their friend. But they shouldn’t. To some of those people, I am a horrible friend. But why? Why do they try to keep our friendship? Because they think I’m a good friend? I don’t even know.
But there are some other people that I think that I have a dedicated friendship, one that goes both ways. And one of those, I think I am going to lose. Not lose entirely but the closeness will not be as close. If that makes any sense at all, this person showed me what true friendship really was. Honesty and loyalty. Not only that but she gave me advice to help me with every part of my life. She was with me when I was at my lowest low and she was definitely at my side when I couldn’t have been happier. This woman is such a huge part of my life and I just don’t understand why our friendship has to take such a difficult turn.
Sometimes I am at a loss for words with her; I want to tell her that everything will be okay. But do true friends lie to one another? I don’t think, I know I won’t be okay without her. Because she is my best friend. I want to tell her what the right thing to do is, give her the correct advice. Seeing as she has done the same for me so many times before.
But, I don’t have the words. I don’t have the words because this is my best friend; I don’t want to say the wrong things. I want to be completely supportive. That’s what best friends do.
So, all in all, I am going to do my best. Because that is what best friends do (as far as I’m concerned). I am going to love her and I am going to give her the best advice I can and support. I will, forever be her shoulder to cry on.
Best friends. You may not be by my side but you will be in my heart and mind every single second, darlin’.
The Truth About Fate
So, here I am, cleaning the kitchen. So I decide to bring in my computer. I plug it in, turn on my itunes and set my screen saver to start almost instantly. My screensaver is a slideshow of all the pictures I have saved on my computer. So music is playing, I am contemplating life as I often do and… It starts; fate perhaps? The first two pictures that catch my eye are the ones that are of me and someone who I cared very deeply about. Someone who was my very best friend and a person that I actually dated for a little while. This person was someone I expected to be by my side for the rest of my life, whether it was as my best friend or something more. But, obviously, it turned for the worst and we could no longer call one another a friend. Just recently, we started “talking” if that’s what you want to call it. I feel like more of an annoying sibling or something along that line. Someone that you will talk to, but only if because you have to and only if I begin the conversation. Anyways, I have about a total of two pictures of this person on my computer. And what are the odds that they come up side by side on a random picture slideshow? What does that even mean, according to fate?
Then, my most recent ex-boyfriend comes up on the screen. Now, this is just torture. It was just yesterday that I saw him for the first time since the breakup. He was standing on a street corner. (Haha, I know what you’re thinking, and that actually makes me feel a little better). And, just the picture of him back in my town… I no longer want to go there. I only go about three times a week, but, I don’t even want to go that small amount. I don’t want to see him. But why? Why don’t I want to see him? Because I’m afraid that he will suck me back in? That, even though, I have put my foot down and even though he broke my heart into a million pieces, I will just let him do it again?
Oh, but it gets worse. Now it’s the music. A song comes on that I know too well. It is a song that a guy friend of mine that we have kind of termed as “our song.” I actually stared at my computer and felt a little like Izzie Stevens from Grey’s Anatomy saying, “seriously? Seriously?”
So, all in all, I now know what fate really means. It doesn’t mean that just because a few pictures come up on your random slideshow and a song shuffled through your itunes (making you relive your past), doesn’t mean that you have to go down memory lane and see what your heart “truly desires.” It just means that I have Dell computer, which explains everything.
I need a new computer.
Then, my most recent ex-boyfriend comes up on the screen. Now, this is just torture. It was just yesterday that I saw him for the first time since the breakup. He was standing on a street corner. (Haha, I know what you’re thinking, and that actually makes me feel a little better). And, just the picture of him back in my town… I no longer want to go there. I only go about three times a week, but, I don’t even want to go that small amount. I don’t want to see him. But why? Why don’t I want to see him? Because I’m afraid that he will suck me back in? That, even though, I have put my foot down and even though he broke my heart into a million pieces, I will just let him do it again?
Oh, but it gets worse. Now it’s the music. A song comes on that I know too well. It is a song that a guy friend of mine that we have kind of termed as “our song.” I actually stared at my computer and felt a little like Izzie Stevens from Grey’s Anatomy saying, “seriously? Seriously?”
So, all in all, I now know what fate really means. It doesn’t mean that just because a few pictures come up on your random slideshow and a song shuffled through your itunes (making you relive your past), doesn’t mean that you have to go down memory lane and see what your heart “truly desires.” It just means that I have Dell computer, which explains everything.
I need a new computer.
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