So, I'm back. And I thank my two blogging friends for this, yet another motivation to write out useless information that no one reaaally cares about (you know I'm right).
My last blog was extremely depressing as I read over it and Mary Alice would definitely call me emes.
I was so pumped to write this blog, yet here I am, with a lack of thoughts. Maybe, I will return tomorrow and attempt blogging once more.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Black Tears
So cold?
Every single time I see or think about you-
My heart breaks
And I can't deal with that
I need to move on and
I can't have daily reminders of you
You are the one person I loved and
I can't be with anyone without thinking about you
You have no idea.
I hope you get what you deserve. Nothing.
Every single time I see or think about you-
My heart breaks
And I can't deal with that
I need to move on and
I can't have daily reminders of you
You are the one person I loved and
I can't be with anyone without thinking about you
You have no idea.
I hope you get what you deserve. Nothing.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Youth Service- Sermon & Prayer
(This is long... I apologize)
So, Jenn, Kathleen and I all came together to do a service while our minister Sean was away on vacation. We all chose our favourite verse and explained and discussed how it related to our religious experiences.
Theme Verse:
1 Timothy 4:12
Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech in life, in love, in faith and in purity.”
My Sermon:
1 Chorinthians 16:13
“Be watchful, stand firm in your faith, be courageous, be strong.”
This verse was printed on a rock given to me through Sunday School over eight years ago. That rock still remains on my bedside table and is read often. It has frown to represent my rock; my salvation and my beliefs. I know that this is not only influential toward myself but anyone who reads it. This verse stands out to me because when I was to receive my “rock”, I was not there so my mom accepted it on my behalf. Jennifer was also there and received a rock with a different verse. She tried to convince my mom to swap her rock with mine. My mom refused (Thanks Mom!). This verse was influential upon Jennifer’s beliefs as well, almost instantly. Hopefully, this verse will stick out in your mind as well.
I find that this verse is helpful most when I feel alone- it helps me to remember that I am not- God is always with me. He is constantly by my side giving me the strength to be courageous and strong in any aspect of my life.
“Stand firm in your faith.” While I am away at school, I live with five other students. One a Catholic, one an atheist, one an agnostic and two that have absolutely no idea (I apologize if this is incorrect, I was just trying to show the diversity among our religious beliefs, or nonreligious beliefs). It was such a challenge to debate with these intelligent individuals over the past two years yet also a joy. I began to understand their doubts, fears and their own beliefs. We discussed many aspects of religion such as death, the course of our lives, a higher power and whether our lives are pre-planned or if we created our own paths as we went along.
“Be courageous, be strong.” This part of the verse has the strongest impact on my life. I believe that it means you not only have to be strong for yourself but, more importantly be strong for others. Others that are experiencing hardships, doubts, and fears. My best friend and housemate was put on Academic Suspension from Brock University this past May. This means that for one year she will not be a student there because her grades did not meet the requirements, by one percent. This young lady is incredibly intelligent, she worked so hard every single day in her studies. We were all so shocked and she began to ask “Why me?” Now, this may seem unimportant but to twenty-year-old students, where school and each other are our entire lives, it was the end of the world. So, I did the only thing I thought would help; I prayed. I prayed, not that she would get back into Brock but that she would get back into Brock but that she would keep her faith and be strong enough to deal with whatever was placed in front of her. I also encouraged her to pray and keep her own faith intact. She is now attending Niagara College in the fall and will be returning to Brock University in the following year. She didn’t give up.
Now, another one of my roommates, Luisa is truly an inspiration to everyone she meets. She is the most optimistic individual I have ever met and she motivates me to be a better person everyday. Recently, her Uncle has taken a turn for the worst in his battle against cancer. When Luisa found out that he did not have much time left, she was devastated. And I remember telling her that even though I knew she didn’t believe in God that I would pray for her Uncle and her family. And she surprised me by saying that she had been and prays on a daily basis through meditation. Luisa told me that she believes that through meditation (and reiki?), you can cleanse your soul and that she didn’t know if it was God but believed there was someone up there. She continues to inspire me.
“Be watchful
Stand firm in your faith
Be courageous
Be strong
Let all that you do be done in love.”
1 Chorinthians 16:13-14
Prayer: (Jenn found this on the internet and everyone, including myself, thought it was both hilarious and interesting)
Person: Our father, who…
God: Yes?
Person: Don’t interrupt me! I’m praying.
God: But you called me.
Person: Called you? I didn’t call you. I was praying. Our Father who art in heaven…
God: There, you did it again.
Person: Did what?
God: Called me. You said, “Our Father who art in heaven.” Here I am. What’s on your mind?
Person: But I didn’t mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day. I always say the Lord’s Prayer. It makes me feel good, sort of like getting a job done.
God: Alright. Go on.
Person: Hallowed be thy name…
God: Hold it! What do you mean by that?
Person: By what?
God: By “hallowed be thy name?”
Person: It means…It means… Good grief! How should I know what it means? It’s just part of the prayer. (Pause) By the way, what does it mean?
God: It means honoured, holy, wonderful.
Person: Ah, that makes sense. I never thought about what hallowed meant before. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
God: Do you really mean that?
Person: Of course! Why not?
God: What are you going to do about it?
Person: Do? Nothing, I suppose. I just think it would be rather good if you got control of things down here the way you have up there.
God: Have I got control of you?
Person: Well, I go to church
God: That isn’t what I asked you. What about that bad temper? You’ve really got a problem there you know!
Person: Stop picking on me! I’m just as good as some of those hypocrites down at the church!
God: Excuse me, but I thought you were praying for my will to be done? It that is to happen, it will have to start with the ones who are praying for it. Like you, for example.
Person: Oh, alright! I guess I do have a few hang-ups. Now that you mention it, I probably could name some others.
God: So could I.
Person: I haven’t thought about it much until not, but I really would like to cut out some of those things. I really would like to know how to be free.
God: Good! Now we’re getting somewhere! We’ll work together, you and I. Some real victories can be won! I’m proud of you!
Person: Look, Lord, I need to finish this up here. This is taking a lot longer than it usually does! Give us this day our daily bread.
God: You need to cut out the bread you’re a little overweight as it is!
Person: Hey! Wait a minute! What is this? Here I am doing my religious duty and all of a sudden you break in and remind me of all my faults.
God: Praying is a dangerous thing. You could end up changed, you know. That’s what I’m trying to bring across to you. You called, and here I am. It’s too late to stop now. Keep on praying. I’m interested in the next part o your prayer. (Pause) Well, go on!
Person: I’m scared to…
God: Scared of what?
Person: I know what you’ll say!
God: Try me and see.
Person: Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.
God: What about Peter Brown?
Person: See! I knew you would bring him up! Why, Lord he told lies about me, and she cheated me out of some money. I swear that I’ll get even with him.
God: But your prayer. What about your prayer?
Person: I didn’t man it.
God: Well, at least you’re honest! But it’s not much fun carrying around that load of bitterness inside, is it?
Person: No, but I’ll feel better as soon as I get even! Have I got some plans for old Peter!
God: You won’t feel any better. You’ll feel worse. Revenge isn’t sweet. Think of how unhappy you really are. But I’ll change all that.
Person: You will? How?
God: Forgive Peter. Then I’ll forgive you. Then the hate and will be Peter’s problem and not your’s. You may lose money, but you will have settled your heart.
Person: It doesn’t sound easy, but deep down, I know it would be worth the effort. Thank you, Lord, for helping me work through this. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory for ever and ever. AMEN.
P.S. Obviously I played the part of God;)
So, Jenn, Kathleen and I all came together to do a service while our minister Sean was away on vacation. We all chose our favourite verse and explained and discussed how it related to our religious experiences.
Theme Verse:
1 Timothy 4:12
Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young but set an example for the believers in speech in life, in love, in faith and in purity.”
My Sermon:
1 Chorinthians 16:13
“Be watchful, stand firm in your faith, be courageous, be strong.”
This verse was printed on a rock given to me through Sunday School over eight years ago. That rock still remains on my bedside table and is read often. It has frown to represent my rock; my salvation and my beliefs. I know that this is not only influential toward myself but anyone who reads it. This verse stands out to me because when I was to receive my “rock”, I was not there so my mom accepted it on my behalf. Jennifer was also there and received a rock with a different verse. She tried to convince my mom to swap her rock with mine. My mom refused (Thanks Mom!). This verse was influential upon Jennifer’s beliefs as well, almost instantly. Hopefully, this verse will stick out in your mind as well.
I find that this verse is helpful most when I feel alone- it helps me to remember that I am not- God is always with me. He is constantly by my side giving me the strength to be courageous and strong in any aspect of my life.
“Stand firm in your faith.” While I am away at school, I live with five other students. One a Catholic, one an atheist, one an agnostic and two that have absolutely no idea (I apologize if this is incorrect, I was just trying to show the diversity among our religious beliefs, or nonreligious beliefs). It was such a challenge to debate with these intelligent individuals over the past two years yet also a joy. I began to understand their doubts, fears and their own beliefs. We discussed many aspects of religion such as death, the course of our lives, a higher power and whether our lives are pre-planned or if we created our own paths as we went along.
“Be courageous, be strong.” This part of the verse has the strongest impact on my life. I believe that it means you not only have to be strong for yourself but, more importantly be strong for others. Others that are experiencing hardships, doubts, and fears. My best friend and housemate was put on Academic Suspension from Brock University this past May. This means that for one year she will not be a student there because her grades did not meet the requirements, by one percent. This young lady is incredibly intelligent, she worked so hard every single day in her studies. We were all so shocked and she began to ask “Why me?” Now, this may seem unimportant but to twenty-year-old students, where school and each other are our entire lives, it was the end of the world. So, I did the only thing I thought would help; I prayed. I prayed, not that she would get back into Brock but that she would get back into Brock but that she would keep her faith and be strong enough to deal with whatever was placed in front of her. I also encouraged her to pray and keep her own faith intact. She is now attending Niagara College in the fall and will be returning to Brock University in the following year. She didn’t give up.
Now, another one of my roommates, Luisa is truly an inspiration to everyone she meets. She is the most optimistic individual I have ever met and she motivates me to be a better person everyday. Recently, her Uncle has taken a turn for the worst in his battle against cancer. When Luisa found out that he did not have much time left, she was devastated. And I remember telling her that even though I knew she didn’t believe in God that I would pray for her Uncle and her family. And she surprised me by saying that she had been and prays on a daily basis through meditation. Luisa told me that she believes that through meditation (and reiki?), you can cleanse your soul and that she didn’t know if it was God but believed there was someone up there. She continues to inspire me.
“Be watchful
Stand firm in your faith
Be courageous
Be strong
Let all that you do be done in love.”
1 Chorinthians 16:13-14
Prayer: (Jenn found this on the internet and everyone, including myself, thought it was both hilarious and interesting)
Person: Our father, who…
God: Yes?
Person: Don’t interrupt me! I’m praying.
God: But you called me.
Person: Called you? I didn’t call you. I was praying. Our Father who art in heaven…
God: There, you did it again.
Person: Did what?
God: Called me. You said, “Our Father who art in heaven.” Here I am. What’s on your mind?
Person: But I didn’t mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day. I always say the Lord’s Prayer. It makes me feel good, sort of like getting a job done.
God: Alright. Go on.
Person: Hallowed be thy name…
God: Hold it! What do you mean by that?
Person: By what?
God: By “hallowed be thy name?”
Person: It means…It means… Good grief! How should I know what it means? It’s just part of the prayer. (Pause) By the way, what does it mean?
God: It means honoured, holy, wonderful.
Person: Ah, that makes sense. I never thought about what hallowed meant before. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
God: Do you really mean that?
Person: Of course! Why not?
God: What are you going to do about it?
Person: Do? Nothing, I suppose. I just think it would be rather good if you got control of things down here the way you have up there.
God: Have I got control of you?
Person: Well, I go to church
God: That isn’t what I asked you. What about that bad temper? You’ve really got a problem there you know!
Person: Stop picking on me! I’m just as good as some of those hypocrites down at the church!
God: Excuse me, but I thought you were praying for my will to be done? It that is to happen, it will have to start with the ones who are praying for it. Like you, for example.
Person: Oh, alright! I guess I do have a few hang-ups. Now that you mention it, I probably could name some others.
God: So could I.
Person: I haven’t thought about it much until not, but I really would like to cut out some of those things. I really would like to know how to be free.
God: Good! Now we’re getting somewhere! We’ll work together, you and I. Some real victories can be won! I’m proud of you!
Person: Look, Lord, I need to finish this up here. This is taking a lot longer than it usually does! Give us this day our daily bread.
God: You need to cut out the bread you’re a little overweight as it is!
Person: Hey! Wait a minute! What is this? Here I am doing my religious duty and all of a sudden you break in and remind me of all my faults.
God: Praying is a dangerous thing. You could end up changed, you know. That’s what I’m trying to bring across to you. You called, and here I am. It’s too late to stop now. Keep on praying. I’m interested in the next part o your prayer. (Pause) Well, go on!
Person: I’m scared to…
God: Scared of what?
Person: I know what you’ll say!
God: Try me and see.
Person: Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors.
God: What about Peter Brown?
Person: See! I knew you would bring him up! Why, Lord he told lies about me, and she cheated me out of some money. I swear that I’ll get even with him.
God: But your prayer. What about your prayer?
Person: I didn’t man it.
God: Well, at least you’re honest! But it’s not much fun carrying around that load of bitterness inside, is it?
Person: No, but I’ll feel better as soon as I get even! Have I got some plans for old Peter!
God: You won’t feel any better. You’ll feel worse. Revenge isn’t sweet. Think of how unhappy you really are. But I’ll change all that.
Person: You will? How?
God: Forgive Peter. Then I’ll forgive you. Then the hate and will be Peter’s problem and not your’s. You may lose money, but you will have settled your heart.
Person: It doesn’t sound easy, but deep down, I know it would be worth the effort. Thank you, Lord, for helping me work through this. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory for ever and ever. AMEN.
P.S. Obviously I played the part of God;)
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Q: Foolishness or Stupidity? A: Both.
No matter how hard I try
My tear stained cheeks give it all away
Because whenever I am able to stop
I think about you
You and my love
And not your's.
It seems that I am always trying so hard
To keep the tears of frustration inside
And to keep you nearby; with me
I'm afraid of what this will become
That it is a long one way street
A dead end.
I refuse to give up
Foolishness or stupidity?
I don't know
Whether this hope is empty or full
I will wait foreveer for your love.
Love can make people so stupid sometimes.
And foolish.
Beware all.
My tear stained cheeks give it all away
Because whenever I am able to stop
I think about you
You and my love
And not your's.
It seems that I am always trying so hard
To keep the tears of frustration inside
And to keep you nearby; with me
I'm afraid of what this will become
That it is a long one way street
A dead end.
I refuse to give up
Foolishness or stupidity?
I don't know
Whether this hope is empty or full
I will wait foreveer for your love.
Love can make people so stupid sometimes.
And foolish.
Beware all.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The blog that started it all, or the drama? (June 27th)
Drama. A five letter word that causes catastrophe. Everyone talking about everyone else. Behind other people’s backs and to their faces. People who can’t own up to what they say behind other people’s backs. Confrontation. Anyone responsible for drama cannot handle confrontation.
I left high school 2 years ago. And I thought I was leaving the drama behind. But even throughout those 2 years of University, there were individuals still “stuck” in high school. Still so concerned about how everyone else played a role in their lives. People talking behind other people’s backs. People putting on an act so that you can gain friends or keep your friends.
Even now, working among “adults”, it’s just the same. I was so surprised when it came about. Drama. Ugh, even the word is disgusting. People five, ten years older than me. I didn’t think it was possible, these are adults I’m working with?
Then, what makes an individual an “adult”? It certainly isn’t their age, is it? Maturity? Does drama relate to age? I always believed that as I grew older or when I became an “adult”, that this juvenile drama would no longer exist.
Obviously, age isn’t everything.
And gender. Society tells us that females are susceptible to being more dramatic than males. But is this really true? From my experiences, males try harder to not be involved with the drama of everyday life. But by trying desperately hard, they get more involved than they realize.
So what does anyone know about drama, really?
I left high school 2 years ago. And I thought I was leaving the drama behind. But even throughout those 2 years of University, there were individuals still “stuck” in high school. Still so concerned about how everyone else played a role in their lives. People talking behind other people’s backs. People putting on an act so that you can gain friends or keep your friends.
Even now, working among “adults”, it’s just the same. I was so surprised when it came about. Drama. Ugh, even the word is disgusting. People five, ten years older than me. I didn’t think it was possible, these are adults I’m working with?
Then, what makes an individual an “adult”? It certainly isn’t their age, is it? Maturity? Does drama relate to age? I always believed that as I grew older or when I became an “adult”, that this juvenile drama would no longer exist.
Obviously, age isn’t everything.
And gender. Society tells us that females are susceptible to being more dramatic than males. But is this really true? From my experiences, males try harder to not be involved with the drama of everyday life. But by trying desperately hard, they get more involved than they realize.
So what does anyone know about drama, really?
A Street With No Lights (Also July 2nd)
Tonight, I walked down a street. I was with many people but, there were no lights. If I was by myself, I would have been scared, ridiculously. And there is no doubt in my mind, I would have been running down that street. But I wasn’t alone. Yet, I didn’t feel safe either. I felt alone. How is it that I can be surrounded by people, some that I know care about me, yet feel so alone? A street with lights, is it any better than a street with none?
A street with no lights, may as well spell out no hope. No lights, no help. Right now, I feel like I am constantly on streets in complete darkness. I don’t know what to say or how to help others in the dark. I just wish I knew the right things to say. I wish I knew what to do.
Two major lights in my life just went out. The person I cared and poured my life into. And my best friend in the entire world, will no longer be my roommate, or so it seems. And in both cases, I have no choices, no options. No lights.
So, what can we do? When we are in complete darkness, a lack of light?
Will someone will please turn on the lights?
A street with no lights, may as well spell out no hope. No lights, no help. Right now, I feel like I am constantly on streets in complete darkness. I don’t know what to say or how to help others in the dark. I just wish I knew the right things to say. I wish I knew what to do.
Two major lights in my life just went out. The person I cared and poured my life into. And my best friend in the entire world, will no longer be my roommate, or so it seems. And in both cases, I have no choices, no options. No lights.
So, what can we do? When we are in complete darkness, a lack of light?
Will someone will please turn on the lights?
Moron (July 2nd)
I seriously don’t understand you. I don’t, I cannot figure out what is going through your head. How can you say you care so much about a person and then just break them. You say you can see yourself being with me for the rest of you life yet, here we are; apart. It doesn’t make any sense. I tried so hard! And what was the point, you had it in your head this entire time that this wasn’t going to work. You had it in your head that the long distance was going to affect our relationship and that it was just going to fail. Like all the others. But you say that you’ve never felt this way about anyone else, so couldn’t this relationship be the one that you should have faith in? Just a little hope. But you can’t, as soon as things got difficult, you gave up… And I just don’t understand it. Everyday I was apart from you, it just made me want to see you more. And the days I was with you, they were just so worth it. I treasured every second I had with you and I know that it was hard but every touch, every hug and every kiss was so worth the time apart. I wouldn’t have given that up for the world, and apparently it wasn’t good enough for you. And you giving up, is maybe a good thing that I found out now. Because I’m glad that when the times got tough, you didn’t quit on me when, oh you know, you actually loved me. Because, really, why am I this upset about a guy who doesn’t try, says he cares about me but doesn’t put forth the emotion, and doesn’t love me. Why do I care?
The Best of Friends (July 6th)
The best friend. What makes a best friend (or the best friend) more than just a friend? And really, what is friendship anyways? Someone you enjoy hanging out with? Someone you feel comfortable with? Someone you can tell your secrets to? Someone you can’t live without?
Recently, I have been thinking and there are people who think I am their friend. But they shouldn’t. To some of those people, I am a horrible friend. But why? Why do they try to keep our friendship? Because they think I’m a good friend? I don’t even know.
But there are some other people that I think that I have a dedicated friendship, one that goes both ways. And one of those, I think I am going to lose. Not lose entirely but the closeness will not be as close. If that makes any sense at all, this person showed me what true friendship really was. Honesty and loyalty. Not only that but she gave me advice to help me with every part of my life. She was with me when I was at my lowest low and she was definitely at my side when I couldn’t have been happier. This woman is such a huge part of my life and I just don’t understand why our friendship has to take such a difficult turn.
Sometimes I am at a loss for words with her; I want to tell her that everything will be okay. But do true friends lie to one another? I don’t think, I know I won’t be okay without her. Because she is my best friend. I want to tell her what the right thing to do is, give her the correct advice. Seeing as she has done the same for me so many times before.
But, I don’t have the words. I don’t have the words because this is my best friend; I don’t want to say the wrong things. I want to be completely supportive. That’s what best friends do.
So, all in all, I am going to do my best. Because that is what best friends do (as far as I’m concerned). I am going to love her and I am going to give her the best advice I can and support. I will, forever be her shoulder to cry on.
Best friends. You may not be by my side but you will be in my heart and mind every single second, darlin’.
Recently, I have been thinking and there are people who think I am their friend. But they shouldn’t. To some of those people, I am a horrible friend. But why? Why do they try to keep our friendship? Because they think I’m a good friend? I don’t even know.
But there are some other people that I think that I have a dedicated friendship, one that goes both ways. And one of those, I think I am going to lose. Not lose entirely but the closeness will not be as close. If that makes any sense at all, this person showed me what true friendship really was. Honesty and loyalty. Not only that but she gave me advice to help me with every part of my life. She was with me when I was at my lowest low and she was definitely at my side when I couldn’t have been happier. This woman is such a huge part of my life and I just don’t understand why our friendship has to take such a difficult turn.
Sometimes I am at a loss for words with her; I want to tell her that everything will be okay. But do true friends lie to one another? I don’t think, I know I won’t be okay without her. Because she is my best friend. I want to tell her what the right thing to do is, give her the correct advice. Seeing as she has done the same for me so many times before.
But, I don’t have the words. I don’t have the words because this is my best friend; I don’t want to say the wrong things. I want to be completely supportive. That’s what best friends do.
So, all in all, I am going to do my best. Because that is what best friends do (as far as I’m concerned). I am going to love her and I am going to give her the best advice I can and support. I will, forever be her shoulder to cry on.
Best friends. You may not be by my side but you will be in my heart and mind every single second, darlin’.
The Truth About Fate
So, here I am, cleaning the kitchen. So I decide to bring in my computer. I plug it in, turn on my itunes and set my screen saver to start almost instantly. My screensaver is a slideshow of all the pictures I have saved on my computer. So music is playing, I am contemplating life as I often do and… It starts; fate perhaps? The first two pictures that catch my eye are the ones that are of me and someone who I cared very deeply about. Someone who was my very best friend and a person that I actually dated for a little while. This person was someone I expected to be by my side for the rest of my life, whether it was as my best friend or something more. But, obviously, it turned for the worst and we could no longer call one another a friend. Just recently, we started “talking” if that’s what you want to call it. I feel like more of an annoying sibling or something along that line. Someone that you will talk to, but only if because you have to and only if I begin the conversation. Anyways, I have about a total of two pictures of this person on my computer. And what are the odds that they come up side by side on a random picture slideshow? What does that even mean, according to fate?
Then, my most recent ex-boyfriend comes up on the screen. Now, this is just torture. It was just yesterday that I saw him for the first time since the breakup. He was standing on a street corner. (Haha, I know what you’re thinking, and that actually makes me feel a little better). And, just the picture of him back in my town… I no longer want to go there. I only go about three times a week, but, I don’t even want to go that small amount. I don’t want to see him. But why? Why don’t I want to see him? Because I’m afraid that he will suck me back in? That, even though, I have put my foot down and even though he broke my heart into a million pieces, I will just let him do it again?
Oh, but it gets worse. Now it’s the music. A song comes on that I know too well. It is a song that a guy friend of mine that we have kind of termed as “our song.” I actually stared at my computer and felt a little like Izzie Stevens from Grey’s Anatomy saying, “seriously? Seriously?”
So, all in all, I now know what fate really means. It doesn’t mean that just because a few pictures come up on your random slideshow and a song shuffled through your itunes (making you relive your past), doesn’t mean that you have to go down memory lane and see what your heart “truly desires.” It just means that I have Dell computer, which explains everything.
I need a new computer.
Then, my most recent ex-boyfriend comes up on the screen. Now, this is just torture. It was just yesterday that I saw him for the first time since the breakup. He was standing on a street corner. (Haha, I know what you’re thinking, and that actually makes me feel a little better). And, just the picture of him back in my town… I no longer want to go there. I only go about three times a week, but, I don’t even want to go that small amount. I don’t want to see him. But why? Why don’t I want to see him? Because I’m afraid that he will suck me back in? That, even though, I have put my foot down and even though he broke my heart into a million pieces, I will just let him do it again?
Oh, but it gets worse. Now it’s the music. A song comes on that I know too well. It is a song that a guy friend of mine that we have kind of termed as “our song.” I actually stared at my computer and felt a little like Izzie Stevens from Grey’s Anatomy saying, “seriously? Seriously?”
So, all in all, I now know what fate really means. It doesn’t mean that just because a few pictures come up on your random slideshow and a song shuffled through your itunes (making you relive your past), doesn’t mean that you have to go down memory lane and see what your heart “truly desires.” It just means that I have Dell computer, which explains everything.
I need a new computer.
Monday, January 21, 2008
A New Year?
This new year
Feels like last year.
Some good things- Some bad.
Here's one of the good things... This is a message I got from my darling friend that I hadn't spoken to in a while yet she always knows just how to make me feel amazing:
The only fucking boy that ever loved me back was M.
the only boy that i actually ever loved was M.
i have kissed boys.
and i have messed with boys.
and i have given everything i had to them.
and now, after being stupid and thinking things change.
im back to where i started.
i have started over a million times and accepted a million appoligizes.but never once have i been credited.
I use to be the chick that guys loved to hang out with.and was the girl that had everyone over to party and swim.
and now im the college girl.and until this week i was pissed that it had all gone up in flames.
I dumped P for T.
T dumped me for S.
C dumped me cause of alcohal.
I dumped J cause of M.
M dumped me cause of her.
and during all of this I met some great guys.
and they met me.but nothing lasts forever.
and W and me are over cause i care to much.
and he is just *waiting for something better*and know what amanda...
sometimes i actually am heartbroken beyond belief.
but then something amazing happens...I wonder why???
all the memories i can remember are small and erelavent.
I cant remember the first kiss with any of these ppl.cant remember any dates?
or anything.all i can remember is the most recent things that have happened.
and that just proves to me that even though sometimes i feel alone,the things that made me happy, only lasted about a minute or two.
The only things i can remember that actually have impacted my life are the things i have done with my friends.
Those are the things that matter to me.
A kiss is a kiss.
and a boy is just a boy.
but friends like us are forever!
smile little lady.
And then there are bad things... Things you want to change. Things you are afraid of changing. One little move can make a world of difference. One word, two words, 3 words... Make all the difference. There are things that you thought would change, that you hoped would changed. You put all your faith in one person and ... they let you down.
And there's nothing you can do.
So quit your resolution because everyone knows you're not going to keep them anyway. Watch out for your friends, know that you have the power to make them smile.
And watch out for the bad guys...And guys with receeding hairlines :)
Feels like last year.
Some good things- Some bad.
Here's one of the good things... This is a message I got from my darling friend that I hadn't spoken to in a while yet she always knows just how to make me feel amazing:
The only fucking boy that ever loved me back was M.
the only boy that i actually ever loved was M.
i have kissed boys.
and i have messed with boys.
and i have given everything i had to them.
and now, after being stupid and thinking things change.
im back to where i started.
i have started over a million times and accepted a million appoligizes.but never once have i been credited.
I use to be the chick that guys loved to hang out with.and was the girl that had everyone over to party and swim.
and now im the college girl.and until this week i was pissed that it had all gone up in flames.
I dumped P for T.
T dumped me for S.
C dumped me cause of alcohal.
I dumped J cause of M.
M dumped me cause of her.
and during all of this I met some great guys.
and they met me.but nothing lasts forever.
and W and me are over cause i care to much.
and he is just *waiting for something better*and know what amanda...
sometimes i actually am heartbroken beyond belief.
but then something amazing happens...I wonder why???
all the memories i can remember are small and erelavent.
I cant remember the first kiss with any of these ppl.cant remember any dates?
or anything.all i can remember is the most recent things that have happened.
and that just proves to me that even though sometimes i feel alone,the things that made me happy, only lasted about a minute or two.
The only things i can remember that actually have impacted my life are the things i have done with my friends.
Those are the things that matter to me.
A kiss is a kiss.
and a boy is just a boy.
but friends like us are forever!
smile little lady.
And then there are bad things... Things you want to change. Things you are afraid of changing. One little move can make a world of difference. One word, two words, 3 words... Make all the difference. There are things that you thought would change, that you hoped would changed. You put all your faith in one person and ... they let you down.
And there's nothing you can do.
So quit your resolution because everyone knows you're not going to keep them anyway. Watch out for your friends, know that you have the power to make them smile.
And watch out for the bad guys...And guys with receeding hairlines :)
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